My China Experience 19 Thoughts and Fears

Thoughts and Fears

There are times when you just want to sit back, relax a bit maybe with a cup of coffee, and let your mind go. I was doing just that this morning. I was thinking about where I have been, things I have done, things I still dream of doing and maybe some fears I have. Fears? Yes, fears. We all have them. Some have a fear of heights, while others may fear snakes or crowds. As silly as they sound, we all have one sort or another. Even me. In my life I have had an assortment of relationships, jobs and experiences that all kind of had an effect on me forming what I am today…..good or bad.
Our parents have a huge effect on which we become. Without even knowing it, we look, listen, learn and copy our parents to one degree or another. My parents divorced when I was a young boy, between eight and twelve years old, twelve I believe. Before that, I saw them argue often. I love my mom and dad without question, though both had their good and bad points. My dad…..WOW !!!... just saying that word brings a rush of emotions. He was a very tough man. My dad rarely spoke the words “I love you”. Even thinking back I simply cannot recall even one time he uttered those three oh so important words, but I have no doubt at all that he did love me, and my two brothers, very much. Dad was extremely strong willed. All things in life could be done the right way, the wrong way, or dad’s way. I know we all heard that phrase before, but in this case, it’s very true. I both loved and feared my dad throughout my childhood. I knew he would give his life to save me, but at the same time, I feared he may kill me if I angered him. No, I never really thought he would actually end my life, but he was strong enough that I knew he could. Actually, I cannot recall even one time he hit me. Not one.
My dad had a very tough job. He was a welder/boiler maker. He breathed noxious fumes his whole working life. On top of that, he was a smoker and a drinker. A drinker? Sorry but I have to admit he was an alcoholic. He drank to extremes, both whiskey and beer, every day. I never recall him drinking at work or even missing any work at all, but after work was a different story. Dad was a good man at heart, but drinking made him anger very easily. I could see the dramatic change unfold before me. He also smoked to extremes. Besides the fumes he breathed daily on his job, he also smoked about three packs of cigarettes a day. We all tried to get him to quit but it was useless. About a year after he retired, it all got the best of him and he passed away very quickly one day with a heart attack while he was in the kitchen talking to his wife. Dad was about the toughest man I ever met. Though he never uttered the words I love you, many times I saw him start to cry when anyone told him they loved him. It was years later that I learned a little about why he was the way he was. It seems that even though his mother was very kind to me and my brothers, she was extremely cruel to him as a child. No one will ever know the details, but I know she beat him and locked him in the basement in the dark many times. All this was criminal by today’s standards.
Mom…..now that was as different from my dad as I could imagine. Mom was a kind and loving person. I remember her telling me she loved me many times, in fact, every night as we went to bed. My older brother Vinny and I slept in the same bed my whole life until I joined the military at 19. Maybe that’s one reason I joined, to get a little privacy. Ha. Mom used to show us she loved us in many ways. I remember every night, I mean every night, as Vinny and I went to bed, we got under the blanket, then we would call out to mom….”MOM…Do you still love me?” She answered faithfully, “yes I love you. Good night.” A moment later the other would call out, “Mom….do you still love me too?” She always responded, “yes I do. Now go to sleep.” This was a daily ritual in our home for years. I’m not sure exactly why, maybe because of the fights between mom and dad we were never really sure it we were loved. I know I was very confused.
I’m just guessing, but I think I managed to take the good points from them both and maybe the opposites of their bad points and kind of use that as “me”. Between all that, as well as being in the military and a Sheriff and seeing many bad things, I think that has caused me to say “ENOUGH”. I don’t want to see bad things any more. Now I want to see the good in people. I know there are many bad people in all countries, but now I try to focus on just the good ones.
Though I have faced wild animals, very bad people, volcanoes, a miserable ex-wife, snakes and many other scary things, I too DO have a fear, something that causes me an occasional nightmare. My greatest fear up to the point in my life where I moved to China was “being forgotten”. Yes, forgotten. For a number of years I was afraid that not long after I die, people would be saying “Joseph who”? That really bothered be to think about the possibility of being alive maybe 60-90 years and have not one person remember you after you die. I have no wife and no children, so who would remember? After starting this episode of my life, teaching in China, my fear is now gone. These students have been so good to me, have helped me in anything I ask of them. They are all like family to me. We talk together, we laugh together and we even cry together. We have faced over coming tough exams, them taking me to the doctor, me taking them to the doctor, visiting them in the hospital after surgery or illness, consoling them during boyfriend/girlfriend crisis and even family emergencies. They are definitely my family. I’m sure that in future days to come, when they are older, married and with children of their own, that on more then one occasion many of them will tell their kids, maybe even their grand kids, about the silly foreign teacher they had long ago when they attended the university. They will tell them about all the jokes, balloons, water guns, singing and other fun times we all had. Yes, my fear has been cured. It’s gone completely. Now when I think about that I just smile, because I know, I know I will not be forgotten for a very long time. I’m actually smiling right now.
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